What got my heart racing and how I coped!

Those who follow my articles will know that we have taken on a horse that sadly has melanoma and I was responsible for driving him to the equine hospital for his operation. Like many others who have been through trauma, I knew that the subject of cancer was likely to be a trigger for me. However, I never realised how much it would physically affect me taking the huge kind-hearted horse to the vets. My emotions that day showed how influenced our thoughts and emotions can be when we are reminded of previous negative experiences. This experience highlighted how strongly the memories of my husband’s cancer journey remain within my subconscious even when I think I am feeling fine.

The tricky thing about our subconscious is that feelings can bubble up and wash over us unexpectedly, and with a force so strong that they knock the breath out of us and leave us feeling numb. Often grief emotions are said to come in waves and they can be triggered by many things, such as people, smells, tastes, sights and music. I had prepared myself for a difficult day but I found one particular moment particularly distressing.

The trigger moment…

Like the gentle giant he is, the majestic grey horse stood calmly in the field as I reached up to put the navy headcollar over his head and we plodded together out of the metal gate. As we walked down the track on the outside of the field, my younger daughter’s little chestnut companion Arthur followed us anxiously down the inside of the field until we turned away out of sight. As we approached the stables the normally chilled horse, lifted his grey head slightly and let out a whinny that broke my heart. It sounded as though he was saying a final sad goodbye to his little pony friend. My heart raced, pounding on the inside of my chest, and my hands became sweaty and shaky as I nervously tied the lead rope to a metal ring on the yard and attempted to put the horse’s large padded travel boots around his legs. As I murmured to Jerry that he would be back soon, I desperately hoped that he would survive the general aesthetic and the tricky part of standing up when he came round. The forced optimism in my words consciously reminded me of my husband’s endless operations over six years before.

Coping with the anxiety…

The truth of how I got through the turbulent years of living with a sick husband is that I numbed my emotions. As I led the huge grey horse up the hill to the transport, I was aware that disassociation is what used to get me through. However, along my journey of widowhood I have learnt to be more in touch with my feelings and to trust the process. So, instead of shutting off, I turned my attention to my racing heart, the tension in my muscles and the butterflies in my stomach. As if I was talking to a panicked child, I told myself this was not a fight or flight situation. The facts were simply that I was loading a horse into a horsebox. It was my thoughts that were uncontrollably turning a simple event into a bigger deal than it really was and catastrophising about the horse being reluctant and the finality of the looming laser surgery operation.

Slowing myself down, I focused my mind onto the rhythm of my footsteps as they hit the ground and the rising and falling of my expanding chest during each breath. Taking the focus of my thoughts away from the worries in my head, I could feel myself calm down. The horse mirrored my reactions and loaded perfectly. Before I jumped into the front cab of the lorry, I paused for a huge hug from my father who had been on standby in case I needed him, and I felt some of the tension leave my body. As I drove away, tears of relief fell down my face. Leaning into my feelings as I headed towards the motorway, I turned the radio’s pop tunes up and allowed myself a good cry. Once again, I marvelled at how our bodies sometimes know better than our heads what we need to do.

So what’s the lesson?

I believe that although we are all unique, our bodies and minds are intimately linked. The gift to me that day was that of mindfulness; it was the ability to shut off the noise in my head and listen to the physical sensations within my body in the moment. Instead of potentially creating another traumatic event, this story illustrates how we can change our emotions by listening to the physical responses within our body.

Box breathing

For those who haven’t heard of box breathing, it’s great at calming the system and here’s how you do it:

Breathe in for four – imagining that you are going up the side of a square.

Hold for four – imagining that you are going along the top edge of that square.

Breathe out for four – imagining that you are going down the other side of the square.

Hold for four – imagining that you are going along the bottom edge of the square.

Repeat at lest four times – as you continue around the square concentrate on the four counts staying long and similar in length.

Emma’s final thoughts…

Listen to your body: Sometimes when we are in shock or panic, we disassociate from our physical sensations but our bodies keep the score and it’s important to listen to what they are telling us.

When all else fails focus on your breath: Bringing the mind back to the sensation of breathing is incredibly calming. If you struggle with this, focus on wherever you can feel the breath, it may be your nose, your diaphragm or your lungs.

Disassociation can be useful too: Sometimes in the moment we need to shut off our own feelings in order to ensure that something is done, for example coping in an emergency.

We are all unique: Mindfulness may not work for you and some people may find that distraction, exercise, getting out in nature and journaling might be of more help.

Be kind to yourself: Triggers and trauma can leave you feeling exhausted and it is important to look after yourself after emotional times.

It’s good to talk: If you want to reach out to someone other than friends or family check out the amazing charities and organisation that can help [here].

“Trauma is not what happens to you.
Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”
Dr. Gabor Maté