The greatest gift

The death of a loved one can be the most painful experience that us humans experience, but there is one thing we can all give to each other, regardless of whether or not we’ve been bereaved… and it’s free!

When a key person in our life dies, we can feel as though our whole world is turned upside down. There are no comparisons, regardless of the relationship to the deceased or how the death happened… when another person dies it can be both physically and mentally painful.

It is human nature to want to fix problems and ease pain, but how often have you wanted to help another person who has been bereaved, yet your find that you are stuck for words?

It’s normal to feel at a loss about what to say or do that will be meaningful, wanted and helpful. However, there is one gift that we can give to another person, which is…

Your time!

Providing a safe, non-judgemental and compassionate space for another person to feel their emotions, share their experiences, talk about their person who died or just spend time doing things that they enjoy can help a bereaved person or child, perhaps more than you realise. It is not possible to process emotions unless they rise to the surface but feeling our feelings isn’t easy… I learnt the hard way that trying to heal grief alone is hard, which is why we hear people say that “grief can’t heal in isolation”

If you feel that you are not sure what to say or how to start a conversation, I’ve written a blog with full details of the amazing Flip the Script campaign from the NACG which you can find here. It’s definitely worth a read because some traditional unhelpful phrases have been “flipped” and new, more supportive, comments are suggested.

This priceless gift that you have… it doesn’t have to be a deep and meaningful discussion about the grief. It may be that the thing a bereaved person wants and needs is to remember what it is that makes their heart sing… to do something together that remembers the person who died, such as cooking their favourite meal, going on a walk they loved, listen to their favourite music or visiting their favourite location.

If you do support a bereaved person by listening to them talking about the person who died, it’s important to never presume and to realise that there could be more than just the death that is upsetting the bereaved person. If you are speaking to a child, especially if is their primary carer or a parent who died, their grief emotions may be interlinked with so much else: the general emotional rollercoaster of growing up, an inability to remember the deceased parent, the loss of the physical presence of the mother or father in their future life, witnessing their remaining parent struggle with managing alone and trying to support the children whilst grieving themselves and so much more. 

Some top tips for gifting your time:

  • Don’t force the words - let them know you are there if and when needed and it doesn’t have to be a discussion - you are there to simply hang out with them too

  • Truly listen - put away your phone and concentrate on what’s being said without judgment, criticism or comparison

  • Remember grief is unique - it is important not to minimise the bereaved person’s grief by comparing the situation to your own examples or situation

  • Empathise - whilst you can never truly know what’s going on for another person, simply acknowledging that it’s hard can be helpful

  • Offer practical help - the bereaved person may not be ready or willing to accept emotional support and it is likely they have no idea what you can do to help, but you can offer to assist in a practical way, such as cooking a meal, looking after children and/or pets, doing odd jobs or helping with the household chores or the garden

I hope that these tips and hints have helped you. I love to hear from people, so please send me an email if anything in this resonates: emma@rainbowhunting.co.uk and finally, please remember…

“When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life.
That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” 

Rick Warren

Previous
Previous

Going with (not against) “Boxing Day blues”

Next
Next

Visiting where he died…