by Reverend Richard Coles

“My first defence against being overwhelmed by grief was organisation”

Reverend Richard Coles's work within his parish includes pastoral care for the bereaved, discussion about the afterlife and being called to perform the last rites. But, when his partner the Reverend David Coles died unexpectedly at the early age of 43 years old after suffering with alcoholism, shortly before Christmas in 2019, much about the death and subsequent grief took Revd Coles by surprise.

Overnight he went from supporting others through their grief to searching for help and support himself. Things that surprised him included the ‘sadmin’ paperwork that has to be dealt with after a death, looking after all their dogs and navigating the realisation of living alone. This is a personal account of the experience of grief after loss, which is likely to resonate with people who have been through a similar bereavement. Within the personal narrative of life immediately after loss are weaved in the author’s interest in art, music, liturgy, faith, dogs, and above all friends, family and parishioners, as well as the harsh reality of hate mail and other realities of grieving as a public figure.

Something I liked: Although at times it jumps around in time line, this book is an easy read and shares a familiar story of the confusion and heartbreak after the death of a loved one in a relatable way. Sometimes it’s comforting to read other’s stories to have the reassurance that we aren’t alone with the muddle we can experience in our minds after a death.

What I wanted: There is no magic answer or sermon on how to navigating grief or cope with the grief for a loved one, and I didn’t find the kind of personal account I was expecting. Unfortunately there were a few name-dropping moments within the narrative that made me feel that the topic was veering off the emotions towards the key people in the author’s life at that time.

Nonetheless, some things I took away, which I’d like to highlight are:

1. When someone you love dies the world keeps revolving, and it is possible to find our own way to adapt to the new environment we find ourselves in.

2. We don’t stop loving someone when they die, we find new ways to take them forwards with us.

3. There is a lot of paperwork to deal with after the death, but the paperwork and the funeral can be an important handrail during the early days of grief.

“Sadmin, the bureaucracy of bereavement, is useful. Partly this is because it is something that simply must be done, partly because every time you tidy something up in chaotic circumstances an angel sings in tune, but also because it tells you with clarity what you need to know - that your ‘loved one’ has really gone.”